well you can't waste a boner
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize