the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
