It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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