when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
