so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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