I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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