Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
