just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
