my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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