Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
