ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
