Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
