Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
