i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
