I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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