we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
