Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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