Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize