i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
