There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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