my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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