if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
