God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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