A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
