I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
