thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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