i jhust puked up my retainher.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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