i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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