Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
