I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
