roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
