Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
