Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Such a big mess for such a small penis
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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