I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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