my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
