Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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