Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
