I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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