New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize