lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
