I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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