no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
