i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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