I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Let's get the cat blown out
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
