MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
