All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
