Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
