I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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