I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I currently don't understand fingers.
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