Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
