help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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