She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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