I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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