and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
