I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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