I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
