When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
