He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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