I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
