I think I died a long time ago.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
