why do cheetos always look like penises
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
