I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
